Things you might not know...

Many people have a very romantic idea of Italy... beautiful Tuscan hills, ancient Roman ruins, and stunning coastline.  Yet by living here I've discovered another side of Italy... the funny side!  Not many people know these undercover SECRETS OF ITALY that I am about to share with you... however there are many American conveniences that are MISSING in this country.  Feel free to drop these at your next cocktail party and you really will be an Italian Expert!

1. PIZZA... one size fits all.  While you can order Medium, Large, or Extra Large Pizza at your local Pizza Hut, in Italy it is One Size Fits All - the size of a large plate.  A pizza here is considered a normal entree, so its pretty much one per person at the local pizzeria!

    

2. CAR SEATS... yeah right!  I'm not exactly sure if there is a branch of the government here that looks after safety, but I think I've found an area they should investigate: CAR SEATS.  As in, they are no where to be found.  If you drive past a car with a child, you can pretty much be sure they will either be crawling over the seats, sticking their heads out the window, or riding shotgun in a scooter.  

In America, Britney Spears did the same thing and almost lost her baby to child services.  Here... NORMAL.

While I haven't looked up the stats of Italian childhood injuries in car crashes vs. other nations, it is definitely a curious phenomenon.  Which brings me to my next point:

3. TOILET SEATS... also missing!  (sorry, no picture on this one!)  Hanging out with all the missing car seats are our good friends, the Toilet Seats.  As in, they don't really exist in this country.  While it my just be a hidden ploy to strengthen Italian quads for "Speedo Season," you can be sure that only 1 in 10 Italian bathrooms are equipped with this new technology.

In a related story, Toilet Paper can only be found in 6% of all Italian bathrooms, prompting new meaning to the acronymn BYOP.  On the street corners at Red Lights, there are typically salesmen pushing the small individual packs of Tissue... and I don't think its for blowing your nose.  Women can be seen carrying these in their purse, or more discretely, stuffing handfuls of  the free "Wet Wipes" at McDonald's into their pockets.  This is one time you don't want to air dry.

(And don't even get me started on flushing!  I have yet to flush a toilet in this country the same way twice, often spending at least 5 minutes in front of the different buttons, levers, pulley systems, and medieval devices used to get the job done.  And when ESP lets you down, check the floor... foot pedals are also popular!)

4. DOOR KNOBS... Still years away.  In our condo building, every morning there is the daily SLAM that wakes up everyone else in the building... usually measuring around 3.2 on the Richter Scale.  We like to call this SLAM "the first person to leave their house."  That noise is due to the fact that doors here do not have door knobs, and can only be shut due to brute force.  Why door knobs are not used is unknown, however one would think you shouldn't need a RUNNING START to close your front door.

5. LINES... they are only getting longer!  When standing in line at a public place in Italy, such as post offices, airports, or grocery stores, you can be sure that after 15 minutes of waiting you will be at least 8 people FARTHER BACK from the front than when you began.  I am not sure why this exists... however the "Amoeba Effect" of rude-cutters is widespread.  You may not believe me, but when the nice grandmother steps in front of you, throwing elbows like she was SHAQ is boxing you out in the NBA Finals, you will know what I'm talking about.  

The rule, as in driving, is NO EYE CONTACT as you follow these 3 simple steps to Italian cutting:  1) Find the Line you are supposed to be in.  2) Find the Person in front of that line.  3) Step in front.  

~ J. Twice

ps  Internet is still 10 working days away... or was it 10 Working Months?  I do not know...